I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
