I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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