It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
