i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
