Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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