We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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