My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
