i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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