you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize