remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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