Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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