Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
