He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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