Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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