it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
