Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize