I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
