Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Randomize
