i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
