She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
