we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
