she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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