I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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