Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
