i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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