when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
