dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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