My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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