What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize