Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize