I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
