I am puke
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i now understand why vodka
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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