and next time when you feel me up, do it right
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
