That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
