Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
