Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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