I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
