Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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