My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
