Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
