Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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