I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
