the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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