he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
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