Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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