If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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