New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
