Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
