Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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