i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
