shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
