...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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