Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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