woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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