So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
