he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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