The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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