Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
