this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
