im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
