I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Less talking, more tequila
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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