Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
