The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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